The World Funniest Jokes

based on reader digest poll.....

Argentina

An elderly couple goes to burger king, where they carefully split a burger and fries. A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal."Its all right", says the husband. "We share everything". A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn’t taken a bite." I really wouldn’t mind buying your wife her own meal", he insists." She’ll eat" the husband assures him." We share everything". Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife," why aren’t you eating?" the wife snaps, "because im waiting for the teeth"

Canada

A man says to a friend "my wife is on a three-week diet". 

"Oh yeah?" "How much has she lost so far?" 

"Two weeks"

Finland

Hannu wants everything to be perfect for his anniversary trip to the hotel where he and his wife honeymooned 30 years earlier. So he gets there a day early to make all the arrangements. That night, he emails her but misspells the address and it goes to a recent widow. The next day, the widow’s son finds his mother passed out in front of her computer. 

In the screen is this email : my darling wife, I’ve just gotten here and everything’s set for your arrival tomorrow. I hope your trip down here will be as pleasant as mine. P.S. its really hot!

Norway

A woman rubs a lamp and out pops a genie. "Youre a kind lady, so ill grant you one wish", the genie tells her. "See this cat? I’d rather have a strong handsome man", she says. The genie agrees and – poof!- the cat turns into a brad pitt clone. The woman leaps into his lap. "Do you have anything to say before we make love?" She asks. "Yes" he says. "I bet you wish you hadn’t had me neutered last week."

Philippines

Joe,mike,mary and tom were talking about their dream jobs. "I want to be a lawyer" Joe began "so that I can defend my countrymen". "I want to be a congressman" said mike "so I can draft laws to benefit my countrymen". "I want to be a doctor", said mary, "so that I can cure my countrymen". "How about you tom?" "What would you like to be?" Asked joe. Tom thought a moment and replied, "I’d like to be a countryman".

Portugal

A man is visiting an old friend when a little girl races through the room. "Diploma", the friend calls after her, "bring us two cups of coffee". "Diploma? What an odd name", says the visitor. "How did she get it?" The friend sighs. "I sent my daughter to study at the university in Lisbon, and that’s what she came back with"

Romania

Vlad gets pulled over after a high speed car chase. "Im going to help you out" says the police officer. "Give me a good excuse and I won’t write you a ticket". "Three weeks ago, my wife left me for a cop". Vlad explain. "So when I saw your car coming, I thought you were trying to bring her back".

Russia

Due to the recession, to save on energy costs, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off. – God

Sweden

Visiting the countryside on a hunting trip, the well-dressed man from Stockholm takes aim and shoots a duck. But the fowl drops into a farmer’s field, and the farmer claims it. Since both want it, the farmer suggests settling the dispute with an old fashioned hick-kick. "I kick you as hard as I can in the crotch, then you do the same to me", he explain. "Whoever screams the least gets the bird". The city man agrees . so the farmer winds up and delivers a crushing blow to the man’s privates and he collapses to the ground. Twenty minutes later,when he finally manages to stand, he gasps, "my turn". 

"Nah", says the farmer, turning away. You can keep the duck.

Switzerland

Wife : "honey, did you notice? I bought a new toilet brush".

Husband : "yes I did. But I still prefer the paper"

 

Taiwan

Papa turtle is telling his son a bed-time story. "Once upon a time, there was a white bunny". 

"Aw cmon dad", says the boy. "That’s kid stuff". "What about some science fiction?"  

"All right". "Once upon a time, there was a bunny in outer space…”  

"dad!" "Make it more grown-up." 

"Ok ok. Promise me you won’t tell mum"

"I swear". 

"Once upon a time, there was a naked bunny…”

Thailand

"Hurry up or we’ll be late"! Shouts a teacher to her kindergarten class. "Whats the rush?" A tot asks cooly. "If we’re late, we’ll miss your next class!" The teacher reminds him. The kid shrugs. "If you’re in such a hurry, go on without us".

United kingdom

About a month before he died, my grandmother covered my grandfather’s back with lard. After that, he went downhill very quickly.- comic Milton jones

United states

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods,find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. 

The priest begins : "when I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion". 

"I found a bear by the stream", says the minister, "and preached god’s holy word". "The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him". 

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back", he says, "maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision".

Asians like their humour straightforward , Americans go for the big guffaw, and brits serve it up dry. So what does what we laugh at say about us?

My favorite are from finland and russia...especially russia..sooooo david archuleta quote...hahahaha..no matter what ure going through, theres always the light up at the end of the tunnel - (David Archuleta at american idol top 8)

taken from reader digest Asia September 2009 edition.